to Allah we shall return eternally, to face the real of reality.

Hi? How'd have you been?

it has been too long since I last met you here, right? up to six-seven years I assumed?

long story short, six years with ups and downs: battling with some serious issues of mental health, jinxing your lowest self-esteem, barely to breathe, couldn't choose which way leads to wider horizon of promising life [financial and career I supposed?]

all these things keep me anxious about future though I know I do not hold it... only He does. and yeah now I'm facing with a serious issue of body health (still a shocking news to me)

I'm sure He loves me unconditionally *wipe tears.

well it definitely a hard-rock ship coursing my undergrad life. not a smooth sailing told ya. but I'd say I definitely made it, yes I was. obviously with His helps and grace upon me.

you can tell my eyes, they're holding pure liquid-crystal-white whenever the storms started to shake my mind;

Oct 19th, 2021 // 12 RA 1443H;(it was The Prophet Muhammad's birthday, peace be upon him) the day I lost my dearly eldest sister, diagnosed hyperthyroid (as well as mine) with severe inner-conditions and she's died in her husband's arms. prior to her death, she told us she was crazily exhausted;- o lord, I can hear her soft voice through her words on the screen. she was a great mother to an autistic child, was 6 in that particular year, she once said to us "my heart desperately wanna hear my son calls me "ibu", but yeayh she didn't make it. she was great sister to all of us, especially me. she paid my tuition fees, she helped my penny-crisis during studies, she gave me loads of support and love. o Lord.. dam of tears will break in less than seconds.

nyah, I lost you, ibu misses you, kakcik still thinks you were here, abah secretly cries over you, yang ain loves you, and your brothers never leave you in their minds. I have no guarantee to say I will see ya in Heaven but I really wish we will; us, your husband, your son, the whole family, isn't it?

I think I couldn't continue what's going on.. I bet the pages entirely full with my tears.

hey, I'm trying to control my heart's pace right now.

yes right at this moment whilst I'm writing you this;

you- be mindful, be courage, may the dark thoughts, the doubts, and whatnots exit your mind and may clarity and happiness replace the confusions.

till then, inshaaAllah.

will always and always love you: 1999